Awareness of Gratitude

Woah...Blogger looks totally different. Anyway...
Over the weekend I had the opportunity to take part in what my church calls a ministry time. It was intended to bring a little bit of closure to a class I took there (in 2010...yes, they've been a little behind in scheduling these times and no, I didn't mind the wait). The short version is that those assigned to minister to you, spend about 2 hours or so interviewing you-- talking about the peaks and the valleys of your life. Then they spend about another hour or so affirming you, praying for you, praying with you, etc. It's a very healing and heart-warming time (at least for me it was).

As I was talking to the two women assigned to me, I felt like I do many times when I talk to people about my life. As I said in my last post, it's been extraordinarily ordinary. But sometimes, it's been downright boring (not necessarily to me, but boring-sounding when I talk about it with others). I haven't had any major trauma or drama in my life. Yes, there were things that I thought were incredibly dramatic in my life-- breakups with boys, fights with friends, a bad grade on a final exam. But in "the grand scheme of things" as many like to say, those things were small in comparison to what a lot of people go through.

I don't say all of this to compare problems, struggles, or pain. That's not what this post is about. Instead, this post is about someone else's response, a total stranger's response, to what I casually described as a fairly boring life. After making that comment in passing as these two women combed my life for events that may have led to spiritual strongholds, one of them remarked, "Your life hasn't been boring, Melody. Your life has been protected. For whatever reason, whether you ever come to find out why or not, God has protected you and blessed you for some purpose of His."

I don't say all of this to say I'm better than anyone else. I'm not. That's not what this post is about either. And it's not about what I think God's purpose is for my life. I know that He's gifted me with a lot of love, a lot of patience, the gift of gab, and the ability to teach. But this isn't about spiritual gifts either.

So what is all this rambling about? As I've been chewing on what this woman said, I've realized that she's right. I haven't and I don't live a boring life. I live a blessed life. I've been spared the pain of losing a close family member or friend to death. The deaths I have encountered have been those of people whose lives have been well-lived. I didn't have a dramatic and distant relationship from my parents growing up.  We're still close now. I haven't had a near-death experience. I haven't had something so traumatizing happen to me that I live in fear of that thing happening to me again. I have a healthy marriage, healthy children, and a healthy body. I've paid my bills on time, worked hard, and I generally a reason to smile daily. These are not the signs of a boring life, but a blessed life.

As I prepare to start a new decade, I want to work hard at the art of being grateful. Because I do think it's an art. It's something we have to practice. Growing up, I was taught to say, "thank you" and to write thank-you notes. But it's more than that. It's being thankful everyday, for just the little things. It's being aware of that gratitude. And sharing that gratitude. In extraordinarily ordinary life, I have much to be thankful for-- some are practical (a house, a job, money saved for retirement, clothing, food, etc.) and some are really nice and not at all practical when you get right down to it (vacations, my iPhone, multiple pairs of shoes) and some are obvious (my kids, my husband, my friends, my family).

So that's my goal in this new decade. To practice being aware of all the good things (and even some of the bad) around me and to be thankful.

~Melody :-)

You didn't think I'd leave you without some pictures did you? Here's Cate in her recital costume-- it's in less than 2 weeks! She is so excited to dance on stage.

 

And here are my two lovelies at the park. I am thankful for the beautiful weather. And for trips to the park.   

Welcome 2012

Despite it's ups and downs, 2011 was a pretty good year. And really, a lot of those things we thought were "downs" turned out to be blessings in disguise. We rang in the New Year quietly. My sister-in-law, her fiance, and her fiance's daughter came over for dinner (yes, in 2012 I get to become Aunt Melody to one adorable little girl-- the brother I'm gaining is pretty cool too). The soon-to-be cousins played and wore their matching jammies (thanks, Grandma) and made it up until midnight to see the ball drop.As if on cue, they both started to lose it about 5 minutes into the New Year. We said our goodbyes and Cate was asleep before her head hit the pillow. Little man had crashed at 9:30.
I had nursery duty at the 8:30AM service today. There were two of us working and two babies to rock. The rest of today will be spent playing with my kids, knitting a bit, attending a yoga class with a friend, and snuggling with my man after the kids are in bed (which will probably be early tonight). My husband has graciously let me sleep in most days during this break, but tomorrow I need to set my alarm to get up at least by 7, so that 5:15 doesn't quite hit me like a truck on Wednesday.

I have high hopes for 2012. It will be the year that Brennan will learn to walk and will transition into full on toddler-hood. It will be the year that Cate will go to school all 5 days (she'll do 5 half days starting in the fall). It will the year Eric and I will both turn 30 and begin a new decade. February 2012 will mark 10 years since we first met. The 2012-2013 school year will be my 9th-- my last year in single digits-- weird.

I'm keeping my resolutions simple again this year since that's what helped with my success in meeting last year's:

1. I'd like to once again branch out in my knitting and make something new. Eric bought me all of the fixin's to make these (expensive yarn included). I'm kind of obsessed with their cute-ness and retro-ness.

2. I want to really learn how to use my camera. I've had it for nearly 3 years and Photoshop Elements for nearly 2 and I'm not even close to using either to their full potentials. I've gotten great shots, mostly by luck, but I'd like to take a class on learning to use my camera and delve back into my PSE book to learn how to use it in editing. A friend of mine recommended this class, taught by a local woman, but all online so I don't have to physically drive to the class. I think it would make a lovely 30th birthday present, hint, hint, hubby.

3. I want to (and need to) unplug a little more. I love my iPhone and my Kindle and our Mac, but I love a good game of pretend with my kids or an afternoon at the park or a movie with my husband. And to be fully present in those things, I need to be fully unplugged-- not browsing Twitter or Facebook while I sort of watch the movie, not playing a word in Words with Friends while Cate waiting for Cate to find me when playing hide and seek at the park, not surfing the internet while Brennan plays with his toys next to me.

4. And once again, I want to continue to grow and cultivate my faith. I experienced such growth last year and I want it to continue. I'm thirsty for more. I'm hungry to be closer to God. This isn't something that's always come easy to me. I don't always want to get out of bed and go to church. I don't always want to be in community with others. I don't always feel like praying. But I know those things help me grow and I will continue to pursue those things as I grow in faith.

New Year blessings to you all. I hope 2012 is wonderful!

~Melody :-)

Darkness Into Light

For a variety of reasons that I won't get into right now, I've been in a bit of a funk. A lot of it is that I haven't felt physically well since Thanksgiving. And a lot of that has to do with weaning Brennan-- partly because I'm ready to be done and partly because the flu that knocked me out at the beginning of November depleted my supply and I really didn't want to put the effort into getting going again (I had enough stock in the freezer to get my boy to his 11th month). So now we're down to pumping/nursing in the morning (pump on school days/nurse on weekends) and nursing before bed. And my body is pretty much in hormonal hell. Which has left me pretty much in a funk.

I talked to my doctor about this on Friday, opened up to some family and friends later that night, spent some time at a restoration yoga with massage workshop yesterday, enjoyed a candle light service at church this morning, and had a wonderful friend pray with me this afternoon. And you know what? I'm starting to feel better.

I know my doctor still has tests to run. I know my body still has some healing to do. I know I have a long way to go to feel totally better. But I'm confident that this is the beginning of the end of dealing with all of this. I know this funk is temporary and that these physical symptoms won't last forever. I wrapped some presents this weekend, worked on addressing Christmas cards, and am catching more of the spirit. My funk seems to be lifting and I can only give credit to God for answering my prayers for healing. Because He's brought it through family, friends, the wisdom of my doctor, and time to relax this weekend. And I know He'll continue to heal me as I work through all of this.

I've got seven teaching days left until break. And I'm really, really looking forward to that break. I'm looking forward to presents under the tree (yup, we have to have a gate with little man around). I'm looking forward to the joy I'll see on this girl's face come Christmas morning.
And I'm excited to see how this little guy reacts to all of the holiday festivities. And to his first birthday. I'm looking forward to days spent entirely in pajamas, some knitting, some vinyl (my husband has quite the growing collection), coffee, family, friends, and maybe, if we're lucky, some snow.

Merry 2 weeks until Christmas!

~Melody

Ten

Ten years ago I was a naive, selfish college sophomore. After an 8am theater class, one of my best friends and I headed back to my dorm room. We busted out the mid-morning snacks, put on a DVD of Friends and settled in to watch until our next class. A few minutes later, the girl across the hall (we went to high school together too), knocked on the door and asked if we were watching the TV. She said that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center. I turned on the TV. I clung to my friend. The world seemed to stop.

The rest of the day I felt like I was going through the motions. The attacks were all that anyone talked about in class, at my physical therapy appointment, in the student center. I think we were all waiting for something else to happen. Miami cancelled classes that Friday. At only one other time in the university's history had they ever cancelled all classes (for a non-weather issue).

Thankfully nothing else happened.

This morning I nursed a sleepy Brennan as I watched the early morning news shows preparing for coverage of the remembrance ceremony in New York. I thanked God for those that keep this country safe. That keep my family safe. The thousands of military men and women, police officers, fire fighters, paramedics. And maybe a part of me is still that naive college sophomore. Because I also prayed that my children will only ever read about terrorism in their history books.
Praying for peace for all today.

~Melody :-)

It is Well with My Soul

When peace like a river attendeth my way(The Ohio River about to overflow it's banks-- May 1, 2011)

When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

(rainbow-- April 28, 2011)

The words above are not mine, but from a favorite hymn of mine, penned in the 1870's. Charles Spafford wrote the words to It is Well with My Soul when he crossed over the spot in the Atlantic Ocean where all four of his daughters died in a shipwreck. Part of the lyrics were also inspired by the great Chicago fire of 1871, which ruined Spafford's family financially (prior to his daughters' deaths).

I feel like it's my theme song lately. First there was Eric getting laid off from work. Right now it just feels like he's on vacation. I haven't slept well since Friday. You'd think a company that had to lay people off would hand a person their severance check on his way out the door. But there's paperwork. And more paperwork to cash out the small annuity. And things that have to be notarized. And faxed (which costs $2.50 at Kinko's because we don't have a fax machine). And then waiting. We could be waiting up to a month for this stuff. So I agonized over every thing I put in my cart at the grocery store last weekend because I didn't want to overspend. We may have 4 weeks to get through before we get some breathing room. And before I finally get some sleep.

Then there was today. My great aunt passed away. This is the second great aunt I've lost this year. The first, my great Aunt Barb (my dad's aunt) passed away in April. She was in her 60's and I really didn't get to know her until I was an adult because she lived in Tucson and didn't come back to Ohio often. But she was an amazing woman. Today, it was my great Aunt Mickey (not her real name, just what we've always called her-- my mom's aunt). She went in for surgery on her tongue, came out of the surgery okay but in pain, asked for pain medicine, and then coded. They couldn't get her stabilized again. She was 87. And because she only lived across the river in Kentucky, I saw her more often growing up.

I'm glad she got to meet both of my kids (with Cate above)-- meeting Brennan most recently when my mom, grandma, the kids, and Aunt Mickey trekked down to Stanton, Kentucky for the day to visit my grandma and aunt's oldest sister (they are all pictured below-- Aunt Mickey is on the right).
And all I can do today is echo the words that "it is well with my soul." I know my great aunt is in Heaven today. But I am sad that she is no longer here on Earth and that she'll miss our family reunion this summer.

I know that things will be okay with Eric and I and the whole work thing (seriously, he's fine about losing his job, it's just the whole getting his severance and annuity that are stressing me out). I know we'll make it through this and that next school year will be great with him at home taking care of our two precious treasures and that God will provide whatever we need in this weird in between time when I'm still on unpaid maternity leave. I'm happy to have Eric home and these next several weeks are a blessing for our family to have so much time together-- even if it wasn't exactly how we had planned for things to go.

And I love the last verse of the song:

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Because in the end, God is good, and that's all I know. Even when the storms are raging and "sorrows like sea billows roll." Because whatever happens, it is well with my soul. I'll be in Heaven one day too and oh what rejoicing there will be!

The psalmist wrote, weeping may last for the night but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). I don't know about you, but I'm ready for some joy around here.

~Melody :-)

Pouring my heart out with Shell today.

The Post That Shouldn't Have Come Until August

I know I said I was going to be less wordy and post less frequently in an attempt to bring balance to my life, but the balance was totally thrown off by today's events. Let me start at the beginning though.

Last fall, we really started thinking about childcare for Cate and Brennan after my maternity leave ended (which is with the start of the coming 2011-2012 school year). We lucked out with good care for Cate, and we really wanted her to go to preschool. But preschool registration happens early around here, so we started looking into various schools around here last fall. A half day program would require that a sitter do some of the driving. A full day program meant either finding a place that also did infant care or putting Brennan somewhere totally different. In the end, after a lot of prayer, we decided the best thing for our kids at this time is for one of us to stay home. It would be a one-year trial and we'd see where it would go from there. And after more prayer we discerned that the parent staying at home should be Eric. I won't go into all the details, but our salaries were fairly comparable as teacher and non-profit worker, though I make a little more. However, I had better hours (even if I have to bring work home and do it after the kids are in bed), better retirement, and a little more job security. His insurance is better, but there would've been compromise either way.
We share in a lot of the parenting and household duties. I'm being seriously honest when I say that because I know I'm lucky and I know we're not the norm. We each equally grocery shop and cook. He does more dishes while I do more laundry. We split other cleaning chores. He does mow the lawn though (being honest again, I don't even know how to work our lawnmower). And we both play games, play pretend, read books, dress kids, wipe bottoms, clean up spit-up, etc. equally as well (some days are more lopsided than others). We both felt like we could be the one to stay home, but when weighing the pros and cons of each of us leaving our jobs, it made more sense for him to leave.

So he was going to turn in his notice in August, work until the end of August, and then stay home. I was going to blog about it all in August. That was the plan. Until today. After being at work for a couple of hours, he was called in to see the boss. As the most recently hired (three-ish years ago) in his department, he was the first to be let go due to budget cuts. It had nothing to do with performance. He'd get a severance, some help with insurance, and could apply for unemployment. His work was happy to write a letter of recommendation.
At first I was TICKED (hence the WTF reaction on Twitter/Facebook). I cried. I about wrecked the car since Eric called me while I was driving to tell me he had just been let go. I still want to cry about it. Mostly because I am scared, but partly because he didn't get to leave on his terms. Hello! I'm on UNPAID maternity leave right now. I don't get benefits or a paycheck again until September. I prayed. I'm still praying. And once Eric and I both got home, my prayers were already being answered.

His severance and withdrawing the little bit he has in a retirement savings account will hold us off until I start getting paid again. His insurance is still effective until the end of the month. After that, we'll have Cobra, but the plan we'll stay the same and his company will help him pay for that for a couple of months. In fact, the timing can only be God's. The day Cobra would start costing us into the 4 digits per month is the day we are officially covered again on my insurance. We're going to be just fine.

Shocker? Yes. Will I sleep tonight? Probably not without the aid of a Unisom or Tylenol PM or something. But God is in control. We are praying for wisdom in regards to our finances. Thankfully we have an emergency fund too, but we shouldn't have to dip too far into it. Neither of us has any ill-will towards his now former employer. Hopefully we'll both get to return as participants to their fundraising program once the kids are a little older.

I'm trying to see this time as a gift. From now until school starts, my kids have the awesome privilege of having two parents at home with them. We can head north to visit my parents another time or two this summer if we want. We can start going back to Findlay Market on Saturday mornings (a tradition we stopped when Eric started having to staff workouts every Saturday morning). I don't have to stress about taking both kids to the pool on my own (which I've only done once, but just for Cate's swim lesson). We'll be able to enjoy time out on the new patio (pics to come later) together more.

And hopefully we won't want to kill each other.

I'm sure it's not the way my husband wanted to start his Father's Day weekend, but we're making the most of it and smiling again. Happy Father's Day to all of the dad's out there. Happy weekend to everyone.

~Melody :-)

Easter Prep

Thanks to all of the wonderful women who stopped by in my last post. EC recommended a book that I'm definitely adding to my reading list. Motherhood should so be a sisterhood in which we share joys and struggles, not compete against one another for "mother-of-the-year" as Mrs. R said. Questioning ourselves and whether what we're doing measures up against other moms will only leave us feeling guilty. And guilt doesn't lead to any good places.

Don't forget-- Amazon gift card giveaway closes in less than a week. Winner announced a week from today!

We're in full-on Easter mode here. Yesterday I took Cate to see the Easter bunny. I wasn't about to pay $15 for one picture, so you're getting one that's a little off-center from my camera. I think it's just as good as what I would've paid money for. The bald head in the picture is not Brennan, but Cate's Bitty Baby (whom she's taken more of an interest in lately). Brennan stayed in the stroller. While he's definitely better, I don't want to expose him to anything unnecessary, which I figured I'd be doing if he sat on the lap of the Easter Bunny. I think I made the right decision given the number of runny-nosed, coughing kids that proceeded us in line.

Cate's been hiding the same 6 eggs around the house and having Eric and I go on egg hunts. She likes to tell us where they are: "Mommy, there's one in Brennan's Bumbo seat." I feel like this is the first holiday she's starting to "get." She kind of understood Christmas, but since I was in the hospital from 12/22-12/26 having Brennan, it wasn't a typical Christmas. We really haven't had a typical Easter either. Her first Easter, she wasn't even 2 months old and could have cared less. Her second Easter, she was recovering from a nasty stomach bug that left her dehydrated and caused her to end up in the hospital for a night on IV fluids. Last year she loved her basket, but didn't really "get it."

We've been trying to talk to her about the true meaning of Easter too. That the Easter Bunny and the goodness he brings helps us to celebrate was Easter is all about-- that Jesus died and then came back to life. A little over her head, but we want her to understand it's not all about egg hunts and candy.

Our church is helping people remember the true meaning too. This week they've offered a Holy Week Experience, where you can walk through all of the events from Palm Sunday to the Crucifixion. Sometimes as Christians, we become numb to the idea that Jesus died for us. It's something we gloss over once we're sure of our salvation. Yet it should be something to which we cling. Our salvation wouldn't exist if God had chosen to take away Jesus' pain and purpose, if He had decided that his Son didn't need to bear all of the world's sin on a cross. We'd be pretty lost.

So on this Good Friday, we're going to dye some eggs with friends, talk a little more about the Easter story, and try to stay dry (it's been raining all week, I'm not even kidding...a little more Noah-ish around these parts than it is spring/Easter/almost May flowers). Tomorrow will be more of the same and then after church on Sunday, we'll be heading to dinner with family.

And I'm curious to those of you reading who care to respond-- do you celebrate Easter? How?

~Melody :-)

PS...Brennan turns 4 months old tomorrow! Where has the time gone? He will be getting a box of rice cereal in his basket in lieu of candy. :-)

It's Been

It's been:

• One month exactly since Cate had an accident (while awake) in her underwear. I'm so proud of her. We keep her in a pull-up at night, but she wakes up dry most mornings. We'll probably transition to underwear soon.
• Over 72 hours since we've had to take Brennan to an urgent care or pediatrician. He still coughs from time to time, but slept in his own (albeit slightly inclined) bed last night (well, his bed in our room, he hasn't moved in with big sis yet and probably won't for a couple more months). He rarely wheezes or sounds like a crackly radio.
• A while since I gave my blog a facelift. What do you think?
• Almost 4 months since I went on maternity leave. This is the longest period of my life that I have not worked since my sophomore year of high school when I started my first regular job at a local retirement center. Before this maternity leave, my maternity leave with Cate (which was about 10 weeks) was my longest non-working time. Before that, it was the six weeks I didn't work after breaking my elbow. My jobs in college were very part time (like 4-6 hours a week), but I worked every year I was there. I'm still coaching our Power of the Pen team though. We have four students going to the State tournament in a month. I just resumed coaching duties last week. It felt great to be back in the classroom and reaffirmed that I made the right career choice and am not crazy to want to go back in August.
• A trying spring so far with our roof. New leaks continue to spring up. A roofer has confirmed hail and wind damage. Our insurance company will probably try to fight and say that our roof is old and "non-recoverable." Either way, someone's going to be paying for a new roof. I'd love your votes (click here) to become an editor/reviewer for HopScout. It's not a ton of extra income, and I'm kind of a longshot, but I'd use my earnings if given a position to literally put a non-leaky roof over our heads. If you could share that link through your own blog, tweet, or Facebook, you would so rock my world. I'm not sure if you have to have a Facebook account to vote.
  

No matter what though, God is good. My husband recently shared with me that our lives are not a series of peaks and valleys (where we have our highs of good things followed by the lows of bad things), but rather parallel train tracks. We can have the good and the bad at the same time. All of it builds character and faith. We're living that right now with our kids' health and steady improvement right alongside our leaky roof.

Cate asked to hold Brennan earlier tonight. She does this every few days or so. Not that she totally ignores him on the other days-- she tickles him, sings to him, tries to interact with him. She just doesn't always ask to hold him. I had to take a picture. My phone was the only thing readily available.11 more days to enter my 600th post giveaway. $10 to Amazon is up for grabs!

How has it been for you lately?

~Melody :-)

Knowing

I've written and re-written this post several times in my head, and every time I do, it sounds dumb. So I'll just put it out there-- How do you know when you're family is complete?

It's a question I've been struggling with since Brennan's birth. Before he was born, I was convinced that 2 was our magic number and we'd be done. And it certainly means we're done in this house since we've only got the two bedrooms and a third bed will NOT fit in there (we're not planning to move in the next 2 or 3 years anyway...but probably will in the next 4 or 5). But now? I'm not so sure. And who knows, maybe all of this confusion in my head is still post-partum hormones surging or something.

I love my peaceful little guy and my oh so sweet girl. And sometimes there's a part of me that wants another one or maybe two. But then the practical side of me kicks in. The part that reminds me that babies are cute and three-year-olds are fun (most of the time), but they grow up into kids that want to play sports and take dance and go to college. The dreamer part of me has big plans for our family. I want to do a Disney trip in a few years when they're 4 and 7 (so they'll remember it) with the dining plan included. I want to fly down there and stay at one of the resorts with a view of the castle. I dream of taking Cate and Brennan to Europe and exploring Australia or maybe Africa with them on vacations when they're older. We're disciplined about money here, and I believe we'll do those things. But I know that the more kids we add to our family, the more disciplined we'll have to be to do those things.

I love that with 2, they'll always have at least 1 parent at their soccer games/dance recitals/band concerts/etc. even if they both have an event on the same night. I love that with 2 we fit comfortably into a restaurant booth. Or in a small sedan (though we love our minivan, we don't need two). There are lots of things I love about just having two kids.

My heart is so full already. I'm blessed to have these two wonderful, healthy, beautiful kids. I love them equally and also differently (lovin' a little boy IS different than lovin' a little girl, but that's a post for another day). Add to all of this the fact that I refuse to use any form of hormonal birth control anymore. I've dealt with some of the nasty side effects and just don't care to do that anymore. I'm not a fan of the other forms of temporary non-hormonal birth control and after a lot of discussion, we feel like an outpatient surgery for my willing husband is the best way to go. When we're ready to do something permanent. Which we're not.

So I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment. I don't want another baby right now. Not next year either. And probably not the year after that if I'm being realistic. But I'm afraid to commit to a permanent form of birth control because I'm afraid I'll change my mind. I'm about 80% sure we're finished and 20% not so sure. I have friends that say they always knew they wanted x number of kids. Friends who already know their families are complete. But how? How do you know? How do you get to 100%? Is it when you're done with diapers and can't fathom doing it again? Is it when your kids are all in school and the thought of starting all over tires you out just thinking about it?

The question doesn't eat away at me or anything. I'm not stressed out about all this. I really just want to know how other families have come to be at peace with the size of their broods. Eric and I are praying for God's guidance on this one. That He'll make it clear to us when our family is complete. When B decides to get up at 4am to eat (instead of his usual 5:30), I think there's no way I want to do it again. When Cate snuggles into my side to read a book, I think that maybe I could. I want to be done with diapers but not done with cute little clothes.

For now, we're treating Brennan as if he'll always be our youngest. As he outgrows clothes, we give them away. We'll do the same with his toys and other baby gear. We've already given a lot of Cate's clothes away. And I guess, if God changes our minds, we'll start over and buy new things.

But seriously though-- for my few readers out there-- how do/did you know?

~Melody :-)

Linking up with Pour Your Heart Out today.

PS... I just realized that this is probably the most personal I've been on my blog in awhile. Thanks for reading. :-)

No Coincidence-- Brennan's Dedication

Around this time last year, I shared a very personal post. A post about how I struggled with anxiety and worry and fear. A lot of this was tied to perfectionism and control. When things weren't perfect or when I couldn't control them, I worried and became afraid. I had been like this for a lot of my life-- getting stomachaches and experiencing nausea before school started or before big tests or after fights with friends or when I didn't do well on something. It multiplied exponentially after Cate turned one, got really sick for the first time, and spent a night in the hospital.

After that, a lot of stuff ensued with my own health, which you can read about the post I linked to in my first sentence. Medication kept my symptoms at bay, but I was still anxiety-ridden. So then I began fighting back. I wanted to be free not just from the medication, but from the worry too. I find it no coincidence that as I was writing that post about finally breaking free, God had been forming Brennan in my womb for about a week. Don't worry-- I had been off the medication for a month by the time I wrote that post.

And I find it no coincidence that Brennan is a peaceful baby. His dedication at church was on February 20th. We got to introduce him to everyone at the special dedication service and we talked about how he was a mellow little man.
Our pastor prayed for him, and prayed specifically that he would be a man of peace. How appropriate given that finding peace was something I struggled with for so long. And it definitely radiates from our little man. He doesn't fuss a whole lot. He didn't even cry that hard when he got his vaccinations at his two month checkup yesterday (he weighs 11 lbs 15 oz and is 23 inches long). He smiles and coos a lot. He brings us joy and peace. My Type-A personality has taken a bit of a back seat since his arrival. The dirty house doesn't drive me as crazy (although we did hire someone to come give it a good once-over deep clean), I'm not hung up on getting Brennan on a schedule (he's kind of put himself on one, but every day is a little different), the piles of laundry wait, you get the idea. There is just a peace about our house.

After Brennan's dedication, we headed out to the atrium of our church to enjoy cake with family and friends.
Cate had fun celebrating her little brother's special day with her friends as well.
I continue to pray for peace for both of my kids. I hope they are never up all night before a test or a presentation, nearly sick with worry. I pray that they don't experience the nausea and other unpleasant symptoms that come with being so full of anxiety. I pray for boldness and security instead of fear. I pray that we will be a family of peace, fully trusting in God and casting our cares on Him. And yes, Brennan was rockin' our family dedication/baptism gown. Cate wore it at hers, and my brother, sister, and I all wore it at ours. Brennan's name is embroidered right by his sister's which is right next to mine.

In other news, Brennan's two month check up was yesterday and he is one healthy boy. He hovers between the 50th and 75th percentile for head circumference, weight, and height. He's been sleeping more at night, which makes Mommy and Daddy so thankful. Last night he ate around 9:30, fell asleep around 10:30 and didn't wake up to eat again until 5:10 this morning! Way to go and grow Brennan!

Happy Thursday! We are excited to get with our small group tonight after a two-week hiatus due to sickness in some of the families. And our Girl Scout cookies are that we bought from a couple of our friends' daughters are in. Bonus!

~Melody :-)

Blessings

If there's one thing I've learned about myself over the course of the last year as I've delved more into my faith, it's that I have a hard time receiving. I have a hard time accepting when someone wants to do something nice for me "just because." I used to think accepting these blessings from family and friends made me week...like I couldn't "do it" on my own. And while I never turned down an offer of dinner, someone wanting to watch Cate for a bit, help around the house, someone willing to make my copies for me at school, etc., it has always made me feel awkward accepting that. But God's been working on me in that area. It hasn't been so awkward lately, this receiving.

I do the same thing with God too. He wants to bless us. But there's a part of me that during times of blessing, can't help but think in the back of my mind what problem/tragedy/crisis/mistake is right around the corner. A part of me that thinks if things are going so well now and seem to good to be true, then something bad must be on its way. Which totally isn't the case. God blesses us because He can. Because He wants to.

And so I've received this week as a blessing. A huge one. On Monday we had a snow day. It was a nice, unexpected day off. In fact, a delay might have gotten the job done as the roads were clear by the time Cate and I ventured out to the museum. But I cherished it as time with my sweet girl while she's still my only child. Eric had a day off on Tuesday and was originally going to send her to the babysitter so he could get some stuff done around the house. But because our sitter's daughter was sick (and we're taking no chances with Cate this close to Brennan's arrival), he kept her home with him and got to enjoy the blessing of some time with her as well. Unfortunately, she woke up from her nap with a hive-like rash, so it was off to the pediatrician (after my last visit to the OB...hooray!).

Turns out that Cate wasn't lying when she said her ear hurt on Sunday. She definitely had an infection, but the infection triggered an auto-immune reaction (the rash). Armed with Benadryl and an antibiotic, we headed home. I spent all day yesterday with her to make sure the rash was clearing up, her low grade fever stayed down, etc. And then there's today. Another snow day. I'm not complaining. Eric even got a half day off, so we all had time together this morning. We played in the snow:

A lot of this was consumed (yes, it's decaf): And I finished something I've been working on for awhile:
Yes, Brennan's newborn blanket is done. It's in the wash now (I've knitted in so many places, that I figured it needed a turn on the gentle cycle). It's not perfect, there are definitely some flaws in some places. But I love it. I love it because as I knitted it I thought of him. And I thought of the verse in Psalm 139 about God knitting us in our mother's wombs. This blanket has literally taken me dozens of hours. I started in June (granted, there were whole weeks that went by when I didn't touch it). It went with me to Hocking Hills with our small group, Arizona, Hilton Head, Hudson, doctor's visits, school, Bible study, etc. And now it's done. And Cate wants one. In purple. I picked up bigger needles and chunkier yarn for hers though, so it shouldn't take nearly as long. The fine baby yarn and thin needles were pretty much the reason Brennan's seemed to take forever.

So I'm enjoying the blessings. Accepting them without feeling awkward. I'll most likely have school tomorrow since no more snow is predicted and Cate will be back in her normal routine. It's kind of crazy to think that this time next week, we'll have a snuggly newborn boy (wrapped in a blanket made by mama) to cuddle with.

~Melody :-)

Do Not Worry

I'm clinging hard to the promise Jesus makes in Matthew 6 right now-- you know, the one about not worrying about tomorrow or food or clothing, because if God takes care of the birds and the flowers, He will most certainly take care of you.

The day before Thanksgiving and for much of Thanksgiving day, it rained here. Hard. And when I went to get something out of Cate and Brennan's closet on Thanksgiving Eve, I noticed the sleeves of some of the clothes were damp. Yeah, we had a leak. Awesome.

We had this happen once before in the spring. Eric patched it up, it was a relatively dry summer, and we never thought about it happening again. Until now. Because it also rained hard earlier this week. And leaked again.

A couple of weeks ago we shelled out a little over $900 to keep our 9 year old trusty Dodge Neon running. It was that or buy a new car. No way we were taking on another car payment. So we made the repairs and are hoping to get through a couple more years with that car. Thankfully, it can stay parked in our garage for most of this winter since I won't be venturing out with two kiddos on my own for several weeks.

Now it's a roof. We had one roofing company come today to assess the state of our roof. Some more are coming next week. The company we had today is one of the most reputable, yet most expensive, in our area. The news they had wasn't too bleak though. Yes, the roof did need to be repaired in the leak area. But there really wasn't any damage or anything to our roof (the last time it rained hard here, back in the spring, could have caused some damage-- and it did to many homes-- but thankfully, it didn't damage our home). Yes, we are going to have to put a new roof on our house in the next couple of years because of normal wear/tear on the shingles. But...the last roofing job was done well and there is only one layer of shingles, which means we can "re-roof" (put new shingles over top of the old ones). This is much cheaper than tearing off the roof, re-doing the tar paper, and laying new shingles.

We're still getting more opinions, but we're confident that at this moment we'll only have to pay a small amount to have the roof repaired. My dad put a roof on the house in Hudson that I grew up in (with tar paper and all) and is confident that come summer time, we can do the "re-roof" ourselves. Eric will gather a bunch of friends, pay them in food and beer (after they're safely on the ground), and we'll get it done. Luckily our house is only one story.

I used to be a worrier. Two years ago...heck, even a year ago, car repairs plus a roof repair would've sent me worrying...like up all night nauseous worrying. Especially given that I'm going to lose about 6 months of pay when I'm on maternity leave. Oh, and the fact that we don't use credit cards...haven't in three years... made our last credit card payment ever last month (it's about small victories). So there is no "emergency card" to put something like this on. But as my faith has grown this year, I've learned to cast off that anxiety and fear because I know it is not of the Lord. I know God will show up. We'll get the necessary repairs and look forward to a re-roofing party this summer.

So as I'm off to enjoy my weekend which includes art class with Cate, church, and visiting a Christmas attraction or two around town, I'm casting aside what little worry has crept up inside of me and am clinging to Matthew 6. I'll leave you with pictures of playing in the leaves-- round 2. This was our biggest round of leaf-gathering. All of the leaves are down now and we'll probably fill one more big brown lawn/leaf bag with the stragglers on the next mild weekend day. Enjoy the big pile o' leaves-- Cate sure did.
She rocks! She even helped put them in a bag-- filled up 3/4 of one bag all by herself! And as she is so my daughter, here she is taking a picture of me taking a picture of her.
When I get some time I'll have to look for the picture she took of me. If it's not too horrible, I'll post it. But given the angle her camera is pointed at, I'm going to guess that her picture doesn't even include my camera or face but is more around my midsection.

Have a great weekend!
~Melody :-)

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone! Our Easter preparations began on Thursday when I got home from school. We died Easter eggs (well, Cate and Daddy did while Mommy supervised and took pictures).
Of course we used the Sesame Street egg dying kit. I love that these two turned out like Elmo and Abby Cadabby.
Cate and I are going to see Sesame Street Live in a couple of weeks. I can't wait to take her on a fun date to see her favorite furry puppet life-size on stage. We bought some of the cheaper seats though since I'm not sure Cate will want to stay in her seat. We'll see.

Back to Easter though-- the Easter Bunny paid us a little visit last night, leaving a basket full of goodies for Cate.
In addition to some Peeps, candy dots, a small chocolate bunny, and some Reeses Pieces (stashed in Elmo-shaped eggs), the Easter Bunny also brought Cate: two books (Cookie's Week by Cindy Ward and Tomie dePaola as well as The Best Easter Prize by Kristina Evans and John Wallace); a Little People figurine in a rabbit costume with an Easter basket; a Thomas the Train pull back and go car-- he's carrying the Easter Bunny); finger paints, dinosaur counters/pattern makers (similar to these) with flashcards; a set of ABC phonics readers, a My Little Pony, and some awesome Crayola washable markers with flip-top lids (so the lids stay attached to the markers).
Cate was excited about all of her goodies! And remember the dollhouse from this post? It was an Easter present from my parents for Cate. She is in love with it. She's played with it all morning. And my handy hubby put a latch on it while she was napping so that we could take it with it when we go to celebrate Easter with more family later on today. The Easter Bunny didn't forget Daddy or Mommy either.
Daddy got some candy, a kite to fly with Cate, and some fun playing cards (Eric loves the fruit faces and I couldn't resist getting him the cards when I saw them). Mommy (sorry, didn't take a picture of my basket), got candy, a cute spring cardigan, and the CD my yoga instructor put out recently. It is wonderfully relaxing music. She chants and sings for the last 15 minutes of each yoga class while we meditate in positions of rest. Amazing!

After some yummy pancakes and pictures of us in our Easter best, we headed off to church to really celebrate Easter.
Eric and I are both so thankful for what Jesus did for us 2000 years ago! We are thankful we serve a risen Lord who sets us free and loves us so much! We are blessed by our church and our small group-- both of which keep us growing ever deeper in our faith and are helping Cate to grow too (she currently loves to sing Jesus Loves Me and told us when we picked her up from Kids Club--our church's version of Sunday School-- that she learned about Jesus today).

Happy Easter! He is Risen! Alleluia!

~Melody :-)

Freedom!

NOTE: I was very hesitant to share this post because it's pretty personal. But after a message a couple of weeks ago at church, I decided that it's a story worth sharing, no matter how hard that is for me.

Every year during Lent, our church does a 6-week "all church journey." From the littlest kids to the oldest adults, we all study the same things. Teenagers through adults are given study guides to go along with the journey and are encouraged to meet in small groups once a week with either their regular, continually meeting small group or by finding a group online at our church's website that they can meet with once a week just for the journey. That's how we met our current small group last year. We got together for a six week commitment and liked each other so much, that we kept meeting together all year until this journey started. This year's journey was all about freedom.

And let me tell you-- it was absolutely amazing!

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you probably know that last spring and summer I was dealing with some unpleasant stomach issues. I felt nauseous on a nearly daily basis and just plain didn't enjoy my spring or summer. By early fall, this was diagnosed as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) due to anxiety. I pretty much tried to play it off as always having been an anxious person (partly because I tend to be a perfectionist in many areas of my life). I mean, I always used to feel like I was going to throw up the night before big tests and presentations or other major life events. But when I started feeling like that all the time for no particular reason and it didn't go away, I welcomed the relief a small daily dose of anti-anxiety gave me.

THIS WAS ALL A LIE. That's what I learned as I began really experiencing God and growth during our all-church freedom journey. I am NOT an anxious person. Things do NOT always have to be perfect in order for them to be okay. I do NOT always need to be in control. And I do NOT need medicine to help control all of this.

**Disclaimer: I have nothing against the wonders of advanced medicine. I loved my epidural when I delivered Cate. I love Nyquil when I have a cold or the flu. Afrin is wonderful during allergy season.

But I was relying on a small dose of a very addicting drug for relief from anxiety instead of turning to God for relief. A very real enemy wanted me to believe that the only way I'd ever experience freedom from anxiety would be with that prescription medication.

So I quit it. Cold turkey. I had some weird dreams and light-headed-ness which are pretty common side effects of withdrawal, but I quit.

And I quit worrying and stressing out about things. How? By praying about those ugly worries before they have a chance to manifest themselves in physical symptoms. By having an awesome small group to rally with me. By memorizing some verses to remind myself that God wants me to have peace of mind. By having an absolutely amazing husband who has some weird God-given 6th sense to sense when I'm starting to freak out about something, even little things, and will stop everything to pray with me.

I have never felt so unbelievably free! I'm so thankful for the opportunity to engage in this fight and to fight for my own freedom from anxiety, worry, stress, perfectionism.

I know there may be rough patches ahead. Days where I might be tempted to revert back to my old worrying ways. Days where I might be tempted to call my local pharmacist and re-start my prescription. And I do believe that to some extent there is a healthy degree of worry. However, most of my worrying and anxiety was over nothing and for no good reason. I'm going to keep fighting.

And I'm going to fight for this girl's freedom too: Last Sunday, when the Free Journey ended, our church gave away these shirts to EVERY kid from age 1 to 6th grade. They sent all of the parents this email explaining the shirts (I shortened it for the sake of this blog post):
"It is our hope that this shirt will be a reminder that your kid's freedom is directly related to the way you interact with them. Each time you pull it out of the laundry or see your kid in it, do something to fight for your kid to live in freedom.
Here are some practical ways that you can start the fight:

· Pray for your kids. Don't know what to pray? Start with scripture. Some of our favorites are Joshua 1:9 (be strong and courageous), Romans 8:1 (there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ), Psalm 119:5 (walk in freedom), and 2Timothy 1:7 (God gave you a spirit of power, love and self-discipline).

· Encourage your kid's uniqueness. So what if they want to wear pajamas to preschool or color a giraffe purple? Uniqueness comes from God. Encourage it!

· Look at their heart, not the results. When your kid is making the bed, don't come behind them to straighten the sheets and re-fluff the pillows, just praise them for helping out. You may end up letting them unload a whole dishwasher of dirty dishes, and it will help them to be free.

· Watch what you say. A kid who is told again and again that they are shy, disobedient, stubborn, or flighty will start to believe it. Why not say that they are a good friend, full of joy, smart, funny, and courageous instead?

· Resist bringing up past mistakes. Just last week we heard the story of a kid who was in trouble in school, but he remembered the story of David making some really bad decisions, and then asking for forgiveness. The kid was able to articulate that just like God saw David as a giant killer (1 Samuel 17) and a good king, God sees good things in him, too."

I also painted this mug as a reminder for myself of all the work I've done and growth I've experienced as a result of this journey.
It says "Such a Beautiful Surrender" on it. Kites were kind of a running theme throughout this journey. God wants us to be free to fly, like a kite, but kites have strings and ultimately those strings are attached to something. My string used to be attached to anxiety. I've surrendered it to God. Beautiful. I even have a kite string tied around my wrist to remind me.

Freedom is a journey that doesn't end. We conquer one stronghold and might be met with another one. But man, it's so worth the fight.

~Melody

PS...Want more information on freedom. Check out this book or click here.

Stop Traffick Fashion T-Shirt Launch

Friday night Eric and I headed out together for a date (thanks to my grandma for babysitting the monitor while Cate soundly slept). We went to one of our favorite coffee houses near the University of Cincinnati's campus-- Rohs Street--where $2.50 gets you "bottomless coffee." Heck yeah!
I love that their mugs are just a collection of mismatched mugs-- most of them souvenirs from various places. I also thought it was funny that my coffee was served in this particular mug, which I have at home (thanks to my dear friend Jane who gave it to me for Christmas along with some yummy coffee several years ago).
I also love their decoupaged tables! So fun! I found it funny that this was on our table :-). Eric and I certainly are coffee fiends (although I usually drink one cup of hot tea in the morning before I switch to a cup o' joe).
But I digress...our reason for going to Rohs Street was not for the awesome coffee. It was for an even better reason. My awesome friend, Emily, who started Stop Traffick Fashion, an online boutique specializing in accessories made by survivors of human trafficking, was launching her brand new t-shirts.
Don't you just love the designs?
I added the blue one and the one with the birdcage to my wardrobe while we were at the event. The t-shirts come from Freeset, which Emily's sister recently visited. Eric picked up a cool Freeset jute messenger bag, which is the perfect size for toting home all the used vinyl he finds at our local record store.
If you'd like to order a t-shirt, or one of the other fabulous accessories Emily carries, check her out. Click here for a direct link to the t-shirt page. The bags and jewelry were also on sale at the benefit.Two amazing groups performed music for the evening. Flaregun, a great local friend duo, played first (after a couple of Emily's friends provided some acoustic guitar music).
Flaregun was followed by Artists and Authors, a very talented husband and wife team-- also local. We have CD's for both groups and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them! Flaregun's CD, "Ten Sundays", and Artists and Authors album, "Beauty in Everything" are both on iTunes. Download them. You won't be disappointed.
Another husband and wife duo, both artists, created works of art in front of the entire audience as they felt inspired by the evening. Their pieces were later auctioned off. Daniel's piece was all done on a computer (Mac's rock).
I love how his piece started like this:
And ended like this:
An angel with one wing bound up. It made me think about the things in my own life that keep me from being able to fully spread my wings. Things like worry and perfectionism (but that's a whole other post).

His wife started out with these words on her canvas:
She ended up painting over those words to get this image: A bird flying out of a cage with the words "Be Free" below it. I find it no coincidence that right now our church is engaging in an all church journey about freedom and during this weekend's sermon, they released a bird from a cage (outside, but someone was taping it live so we could see it from inside the auditorium). If you want some more good music (and this stuff is free), you can download the songs from our all church journey by clicking here. Andrea, from Artists and Authors, sings on several of the tracks. My favorite song is "When Freedom Comes."
Emily spoke about the mission of Stop Traffick fashion in between bands.
And Melissa, her sister, who was my awesome sub when I was on maternity leave, read a poem inspired by her trip to India and to Freeset.

Several local businesses donated great raffle prizes too. I won a haircut, halo highlight, and style at a local salon and have made my appointment to get pampered during spring break (just two weeks away). So worth the $5 I spent on raffle tickets. I was just sad my hubby didn't come home with the basket of coffee products he was hoping to win.
It was a fantastic event, for a wonderful cause, put on by a fabulous woman! I couldn't have asked for a better Friday evening.

~Melody :-)